Feeling low

I am feeling a bit down in the dumps today. It is weird. I should be happy as we got $5,000 off the price of the house for the dodgy deck, but I dont really feel excited.

My problem at the moment is the care of Ella. I feel that she is 'my child' and it is me alone that is responsible for her care, when Mat gets away with being a part-time fun parent.

These are my examples over the last couple of days.

On Sunday we were having lunch with Jan's boss and his wife. I am having a good chat to Pauline who is pregnant. Mat, who only had Ella when I passed him to her, interupted me, to tell me that Ella stunk and that I needed to go and change her. Could he not do it. The tone of his voice was derogetory and it was like I was stupid and neglectful. So I had to take her back to the car. Mat offered to come with me, but made no intention to get up, so I went on my own and let everyone else keep on talking. We got to the car and I went to change Ella, and she had not pooped herself, she had barely even wet her nappy. When I got back - Mat said that they had worked it out that it was the mud that was making the horrible smell and not Ella. Sorry for making you look like an idiot.

On Monday when we got back to Sydney we were invited to Cathy and Ian's for a BBQ. Ella was getting tired about 6:30pm - mind you, we had been there since 2pm. I said that I was going to leave and take Ella home to have a bath and then put her to bed. Mat said he was going to stay for one more beer and then come home. I gave Ella a bath and put her to bed and went and watched tv. I got bored about 9pm and went to bed. Mat staggers in at 9:30pm and said that he was having a good chat over there, telling them that he really appreciated what I did etc..... i told him that I would have appreciated him coming home. "Would it have made any difference if I came home?" Well since I put Ella to bed at 7pm, I would not have had to sit on my own for 2 hours"

I have tried to tell Mat that it really annoys me that he does not do anything for Ella. I sort all her bottles, change nappies, feed etc. He does nothing like that. He does not give her a bath, does not change her clothes - nothing! He will feed her if I get all of the food ready and put her in her high-chair. The feeding is the easy part. I said that if there was something that I did, that I knew really upset/annoyed him, I would not do it. He knows that this annoys and upsets me, and makes me feel isolated and he does it anyway.

I have tried to make comments the last couple of days, asking Mat if he wants to give Ella a bath, put her to bed - oh that gets me to my next example.

Tonight Ella is playing. She starts to cry and rub her eyes - Mat looks at me and says "Jen - Ella is tired" I can see that, I have perfectly good vision. I said, rather than telling me she is tired, which means I can put her to bed, why dont you put her to bed with a bottle. Mat said that smartarse does not suit me and he is sick of the snidey comments and I dont do anything in the yard and I dont cut hedges and he is tired. I AM FUCKING TIRED TOO - THERE IS NO ONE ELSE TO PALM IT OFF TO.

There is no point asking him to do anything. There is no point. I am better off to continue like the last 14 months and do it all myself. It saves the headaches and the excuses from Mat why he cant do things. It pisses me off and annoys me to no-end, but nothing is going to change.